Hmm, has it really been so long since I've written here? A lot has happened, but it feels ... extraneous? redundant? to go into detail here. Still, I suppose I owe it to those whom I've been out of contact with for much too long.

I've been holding fast to my decision to get away from the World that Never Was, as much as it still feels like a home to me.. well, a different me. However, in this effort of leaving, I have discovered that there are many important things I'm lacking as well as too many lingering unfortunates that have made this... difficult; uncomfortable. As hard as I try to leave my past behind me, I haven't truly considered until recently that it will never really be gone.
I am distrusted at best and the target of well deserved resentment at worst by those who've been the victims of that past. I can feel regret for this, but ... it's difficult to explain in these new terms. We weren't doing what we thought was 'right', as it wasn't a concept we had, but we did what we had to. I've gotten off track.

My attempts to relocate to another world have been tricky, as I said, but I was thankfully able to locate a few people who were willing to offer me an amount of trust. I feel gratitude and I can only hope I will be able to uphold that. I've been given an apprenticeship at an accessory shop in Traverse Town and while I was never as skilled as Lexaeus (what's happened to him anyway?) I apparently made enough of an impression upon the owner, Leonardo, that he's offered me a spot. I've been there for over two weeks now.
In the past couple of days I've also been speaking with a woman by the name of Fleur who owns a building in the neighboring district. Apparently she's friends with the shop owner's wife, Stella, and she's willing to vouch for me so I can live on world instead of having to travel back and forth every day. I should have that finalized in the next few days.

There are still many things I know I will still have to overcome in the future, but for now, I can allow myself to believe, at least for a little while, that things will be alright.

Xemnas, did you find what you were looking for? That darkness... it worries me. I can't see the matter with any clarity yet, but to have this feeling without any reason-- I know you've sensed it too. You left to seek it out on your own terms. Is something happening?

Luxord, Fran, I'm sorry I never made it out to Port Royal to see you. I still miss your company; you're not forgotten.

...I thought I saw someone beyond the castle ravine the other night matching the description the moogles posted. Is this another Gate problem?

I need a distraction for a while...

I think I've decided that I need to leave The World That Never Was.

It ties me so closely to a life I gave up; one I can't have anymore. This place is on the brink between the light and the dark, but it's too empty... there's nothing to diffuse either of them and the memories here are steeped too strongly in that suffocating blackness that tries to draw me back. I don't want to leave... strangely, I think my heart knows that a part of me belongs here, all manner of the phrase, but ... I'm afraid.

I can't continue to remain in the trappings of my old self and hope that perhaps all I need is time to adjust; that I can remain here and still retain my light. I need to know if this is something I really have the ability to gain control over and I can't do that here. I need a buffer. I have to leave.

( Private to Xemnas )

( Private to Fran and Luxord )

At least in the midst of all this turmoil, something had cropped up to take my mind off the life crisis parade my heart seems to have whipped into existence. While I am grateful beyond measure to have these feelings returned to me, I admit that I have been having trouble reconciling them with the life I once knew. As it is the only life I remember enough to call my own, this has not been an easy task. My nature, the one so carefully cultivated out of need and necessity three years prior, calls for everything my heart knows will only drag it back into darkness. With each slip of my control, I feel myself inching closer back towards that threshold that I want nothing more to do with. I am actually afraid of it now. I'm loath to give in to what has made me strong before, yet find myself in positions where I have no other choice. No, there is a choice, but once made, it has landed me in an unfavorable position. Quite simply, I believe that I can no longer try to cling to what I once had. All that is familiar is steeped in darkness... and that is too fine of a line for me to walk right now.

Unfortunately, I wonder if I might have to tread it just a while longer.

Somehow, whether it's the Gate's doing or not, Xemnas has said that he's felt his heartless on the worlds somewhere. When I am able, I fully intend on mounting my own search, regardless of whether or not Xemnas feels the need to do so himself. I would easily give myself to the darkness if there was a chance to end such a hopelessly empty existence; after all, for all that his been sacrificed already, it's the least I feel I can do. This is what my heart compels me to do.

For now, however, I'm still stuck here. Wishing desperately that I wasn't. Luxord, are you busy?

I wake up and there's flowers creeping in from the doors and windows...

Marluxia, I thought Xemnas told you to get your growths out of the castle?

I feel exhausted. Worn out and sore from head to toe, ground under the heel of worlds, but...

I FEEL.

I am afraid and happy and sad and excited for so many reasons I can barely comprehend, but it doesn't matter if I understand it all right now or not. It's there. These FEELINGS, so bright and clear now... their radiance is almost painful but I would not trade it for anything. My heart aches and IT IS GLORIOUS.

For the first time I can ever remember in this life or the last, I cried and laughed and loved.

I'm certain, in time, there will be anger.. hate, envy... the light that comes with balance brings shadows with it, but for now ... right now, right here... this joy is boundless.

My heart is complete.

I'm going. My heart is out there somewhere and I will find it, no matter what anyone else thinks on the matter. Zexion thinks this is folly, and for a time, I considered believing him. It certainly seemed easier, the idea that our 'hearts' were already within us, but so much has happened lately... I should think that if I possessed my heart in any way, shape or form, I would have discovered it by now. But there is nothing more than what I had the moment I woke back up on these worlds. That is unacceptable.

If my heartless is indeed out there somewhere, I will discover it and even if I have to drag it to Sora's feet and beg the boy, my heart will be released from it. I want to feel. I want it more than I want anything else in this or any life. I will laugh, cry, hate.. love; and I will feel it all as I was meant to.

Soon...

Is it possible to find peace within turmoil?

....

hm... even in an empty existence there yet a fullness to be found. Ironic to be bestowed such a gift at this time of year, not that the timing would have made a difference. It's there.. a whisper within, a soft beat I can barely hear, but I know it's there if I listen. So fragile, like some tiny bird fluttering in the darkness. Is it fear that echoes for it?

The darkness is all consuming, it threatens every moment to crush that whisper... that feeling.

Stay strong.

'urgh' I believe would be an adequate description for how I'm feeling at the moment. I almost want to delete that muddled entry before this one that I apparently made while suffering the effects of the fog that is now, blissfully, gone. Coming to grips over the past couple of days with what happened while we were under the influence of it has been ... interesting to say the least. I can't say I recall all the details of what happened, but I what I do remember is both unsettling and reassuring.

At some point it seems that Namine had, well... signed the cast on my leg. The exact reason for it still escapes me, but I can only assume that it had something to do with the way one particular hall in the castle looks. No one seems to have come around to clean it yet and in that I have mixed feelings. I'm certainly no artist, although it looks as if Namine and Larxene continued on after Luxord and I had left. Someone should probably clean it off at some point.

Coloring on the walls aside, I've been slowly going over some of the memories that seemed to have come back to me in the midst of the purple haze. I don't think I could really explain how or why, but I woke up after everything was over in possession of the fragmented memories of a past I previously couldn't remember. Truthfully, I think that I'd rather not have them; the past I left behind in giving myself to the darkness should have little bearing on my 'life' now, but these memories are intruding anyway.
My name in particular. I had adopted 'Sai' when first asked all those years ago, as I had nothing else to call myself then, which of course was then amended. Perhaps in the back of my mind, in that unconscious part that whispers to us in the language of senses and dreams, I knew that I was close. Isa was my name. In a dead tongue it had meant standstill... one who waits. I honored Gods on that vanished world.

I find myself wishing that I could forget what has come back to me. I have no use for it.

As it is I believe I have enough troubles without having to deal with a past I would have been content leaving behind forever. It seems the only bright spot to the past couple of days since the fog has lifted as been the removal of the damn casts from my arm and leg. It was certainly a decent reminder of why one tends to avoid confrontations with keyblades. At least I shouldn't have to worry anymore about having to deal with Terra's... although it begs the question of whether or not Xemnas will retain the weapon ...

...Xemnas, contact me if you happen to see this before I can check in on you. We need to talk.

( Private to Luxord )

I have no parents I make the heavens and earth my parents.
I have no home I make awareness my home.
I have no life or death I make the tides of breathing my life and death.
I have no divine power I make honesty my divine power.
I have no means I make understanding my means.
I have no magic secrets I make character my magic secret.
I have no body I make endurance my body.
I have no eyes I make the flash of lightning my eyes.
I have no ears I make sensibility my ears.
I have no limbs I make promptness my limbs.
I have no strategy I make "unshadowed by thought" my strategy.
I have no designs I make "seizing opportunity by the forelock" my design.
I have no miracles I make action my miracles.
I have no principles I make adaptability to all circumstances my principles.
I have no tactics I make emptiness and fullness my tactics.
I have no talents I make ready wit my talent.
I have no friends I make my mind my friend.
I have no enemy I make carelessness my enemy.
I have no armor I make righteousness my armor.
I have no castle I make immovable-mind my castle.
I have no sword I make absence of self my sword.

Three sets of eight; twenty four with thirteen within. These I know for certain. The path starts with the Self and ends in the Unknown Everything. Signals to Separation to Strength to Initiation... Constraint to Fertility, Opening  and Growth to Movement to Disruption leads to Journey, Gateways and Breakthrough.

Oh my Messenger to the Self... Disruption; Protection... I've wrapped myself in the darkness, I relish it, want it, need it but have I also tasted the light? No, my Messenger is the All. The start and the end. The only past I have and the only future I could possibly foresee. The only one I will accept.

I wrap myself in this darkness and welcome my Messenger.

Fuzzy ears, paws and a tail. I see. Very funny. >:|

Please consider this an open entry to all Nobodies that Xemnas has extended his assistance to. I will attempt to address questions or concerns to the best of my knowledge.

First and formost, to the issue of the hearts promised: Obviously the scenario didn't play out exactly the way it was expected to. I have no specific explanation for what DID happen, but as it stands, Xemnas is no longer with us for the time being. The best we can deduce (at least, according to Vexen) is that he was... 'displaced' by the memories he was attempting to recover, resulting in the reintroduction of an older persona: the man who called himself Terra.
I realize this puts Xemnas's promise into question for many, if not everyone else. Be assured, however, that Terra has offered his help on the matter. Unfortunately, in speaking with him on the matter, it has become clear that we can't expect the easy solution we'd been hoping for. While it is possible (necessary even) to use a keyblade to return a lost heart, Terra is uncertain that he himself will be able to do it. Moreover, it's required to locate each individual heart, specifically the heartless that still retains it. For those that are unable to locate their heartless or have had theirs since destroyed, it's doubtful anything can be done.

Until further notice, Terra will be staying on the World that Never Was. Anyone wishing to know more may speak with myself or Vexen for now.

I've found myself hopelessly restless over the past few days, something that's only been compounded by my need to remain inactive. I confess, I haven't been very faithful to the notion, but considering my urges have fallen more into line with the need to ruin a city block or two, I'd like to think I've done well enough. There is little to keep me busy, so unlike three years ago... now everything lies solely upon Xemnas' shoulders and there is nothing for the rest of us to do for it. Before, there was a sense that we were still working together for something but whereas we would look then to Kingdom Hearts, now all eyes are upon one man and somehow, I think that is what makes it difficult.

This isn't something we can simply command or manipulate anymore. All we can do is watch in the sad hope that Xemnas' failing mind and body will be able to overcome this last trial for us.  He doesn't need  I wishworry  I don't want to lo  If he doesn't

We spoke some time ago, which I regret to admit resulted in my previous entry, but it has forced me to realize at least a few of the sources of my discomfort... As angry as they made me at the time, I believe that it was something I needed to hear and understand. Not that it makes the coming situation any easier... simply less confusing. Now instead of struggling with something I have no concept of, I struggle only to come to terms with it; a fight that I believe will ultimately find it's end with the return of my heart. Only then will I truly find the comprehension I'm searching for.

Hmm, I think if I go on for much longer, this will eventually start sounding like one of Zexion's entries. (I may, in fact, be there already, but it's not a condition I'm trying to compound.)

I wonder, when I can feel again... will it be as brilliant as I imagined? I hope so...

((OOC: strikes typed then deleted))

Things have finally calmed for a moment and given me time to come to the realization that I failed. I couldn't explain why this bothers me; it should be simple enough to move on from such a mistake, yet I find myself unable to shake the thoughts completely. I think that there should have been something done differently at Radient Garden to keep the keybearers further away and it seems only now that I can consider these things. I believe that, ultimately, the fault for Xemnas' injuries lies on my own shoulders for failing to properly do what had been asked of me but I would not assume to also believe that I 'feel' regret for it. The thought--the acknowledgement--simply lingers despite my best efforts to forget about it and that, I think, is truly what bothers me.

It's quite frustrating and I'm not quite certain I understand it.

~VII

I came out of the meeting with mixed thoughts and I've been avoiding putting them here until I was more clear on where I stood. Zexion's own thoughts have given me pause; I should have realized that his penchant for analysis would reveal the other side of the issue. And there is always another side.

If what he theorizes is true and we have had our hearts all along, then perhaps it is just a simple matter of being true to them and realizing their existence on our own. It is certainly the simpler answer, but there would be even fewer ways to prove such a thing than through the Superior's plan. Shall we all strike out on our own, as some have already, and hope that looking within and existing as normal creatures will make us as such? Do we pretend to feel until we either fool ourselves into thinking we actually do ... or would those feelings actually be real?

Some seem content enough without bothering themselves with such questions to begin with but I can't let go of mine so easily. There are too many things about myself that I simply cannot push aside. I have already decided my direction in all this and I will hold to it, but perhaps there is still room on this journey to entertain other paths.

In light of recent events and for my own peace of mind, ( I cast again after quite some time. )

((OOC: Saix is casting with runes, although I'm going to assume that while there's no 'Norse' history to base them off of, that doesn't mean they wouldn't exist in some form or another.))

Typing, at least, keeps me from scratching at it. Getting burnt and perforated wasn't exactly what I'd been expecting when I'd gone to Hollow Bastion and as ... liberating as it was to throw Axel around, I have to say, I find myself a little disappointed.

I can only assume he's been living elsewhere for some time, if his clothing was any indication and with Roxas if Zexion's journal was accurate. These things raise numerous questions and considerations, mostly reflecting back to my thoughts upon first waking up. I had mulled over the concept of nobodies living normal lives, as it were; if we were even capable of it or if our natures as ... less than whole would interfere with daily life as 'real' people know it. If circumstances were different, I think there would be several things I would have liked to ask of Axel, but they're inconsequential and as it is, I have little urge to hold any conversation with the man.

Roxas, on the other hand ... in thinking about the boy, I don't think that I can blame him for what he did. We were all chasing after our hearts and I think perhaps he knew that he would not find his from within our ranks. The others from which we were born are gone, but his ... was he able to become whole again? Nobodies were never meant to exist, so what happens when they are absorbed back to a place they never really existed in the first place?

Alas, I don't hold out my hopes of speaking with him and in the end, I wonder if perhaps I'm better off not knowing. After all, I don't expect to be finding my other, but I do expect to be finding my heart in some form and becoming my own being. Even if I have to rip one from someone's chest with my own two hands.

I feel much better now.

~VII

I've retreated to my room for the rest of the night, but I doubt I'll be able to sleep.

.......I find myself desperately wishing that there was a 'reality check' button beside the spell check here.

~VII

I think I recall the Superior handing out these journals ages ago; something about an experiment regarding introspection. Of course no one used them... did he actually expect anyone to? I don't even know what possessed me to go looking for mine. A fit of madness perhaps? I suppose I just remembered that it was here.

It's strange, finding myself without a sure direction. I feel called in all directions but I'm unsure which way to go first. I think it might still take some time to figure out what it is I'm (we're?) supposed to do now. There's still an emptiness in my chest and I believe that frustrates me the most of everything I've experienced in the last week or so. I didn't ask for this ... incomplete rebirth that has dropped me back into these worlds with even less than I left them with.

There's no one in the castle save Zexion and, for a brief moment it seemed, Xigbar... which means that we failed. Am I supposed to feel a sense of loss at this? A need for vengance? As predicted, I don't feel much at all aside from perhaps a regret that we managed to not succeed so spectacularly.

I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, but this emptiness bothers me now as if bothered me then. Perhaps there's another way. Something that we didn't see. I want to find out, and I don't think I'll be discovering anything in this empty world. I am called away.

~VII